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America! America! God Shed His or Her Grace on Thee

05.03.2003 10:35

Aesop was a Greek philosopher, author of famous fables. He was born about the year 620 B. C. and was a slave by birth. Michel Montaigne was a French (sorry about that) philosopher, an aristocrat and an author of famous Essays. Montaigne lived almost exactly a thousand yeas after Aesop, 1533-1592 to be exact. Both philosophers were very interested in what the future of humanity will be. Here is what Montaigne wrote about Aesop: “Aesop once observed a man who pissed as he walked. “Glorious will be the future”, said Aesop, “when a man will shit while running”. I am not suggesting that Aesop invented jet propulsion, but the future is definitely here, and we owe both to Aesop and to Montaigne to describe America as it will be in ten years. So, here is a description of America in the Year of Our Lord and/or Lady 2013.

First, America is now very healthy. It was suspected that the terrorists may use infectious diseases to attack America and/or America’s interests. The measures taken in response to this threat were obviously adequate, since the terrorists never did use infectious diseases to attack America and/or America’s interests. But they could have, and the falsified document supplied to us by British intelligence clearly told us that “the possibility must not be altogether excluded that one day they might”. This is just British English for “certainly”.

Accordingly, all Americans that have infectious diseases have been signal-coded and their movements and contacts restricted. As every American has an implanted chip, showing his name, Home Security Number (which is almost the same as Social Security Number, so there is almost nothing to worry about, so that all the protests were unwarranted), state of health, personal worth, current location, and the Loyalty Rating (read more about it in the Patriot Act as amended in 2005, right after the Presidential Elections).

Also, the implanted chip monitors the level of sexual excitement of Americans, and this is very good. First, if married Americans get sexually excited while being more than two feet away from their spouses (as monitored by the Global Positioning System), the Morality Desk of the Department of Home Security wants to know about it, so that SWAT teams can be swiftly dispatched to the scene.

These actions do not seek to impose a certain version of morality, as American people are free to make choices, but have a strict basis in the sexual harassment legislation. In one recent case, a woman looked at a man as if he was not an object of her sexual desires. Dejected and saddened, he sued and won. In another case, a woman looked at a man as if he was an object of her sexual desires. Panicked, deeply uncertain, confused, overwhelmed with guilt and painful memories, unprepared, and likely unable to perform, a man sued and won. It became impossible for Americans to look at each other in a sexually suggestive way, so the legislation establishing the Morality Desk of the Department of Home Security came in very handy. All TV channels interrupted their regular programming as Members of Congress gave a 26-minute standing ovation when the Morality Act was finally passed.

Now if the implanted chip relays a pattern of raising blood pressure suggestive of sexual activity, the Global Positioning Satellite, searches for this person’s spouse or Registered Partner to make sure that the latter is found within two feet (there is a little pun here, but it is not meant in an sexually suggestive way (Sentence insured, Moral Re Co.)

The only remaining disease of Americans, though it is very prevalent, can be described as “too much of a good thing”. People are addicted to food, music, TV, sports, and patriotism.

President George W. Bush, in his fifth term in office, loves America so much he starts weeping uncontrollably every time he mentions the God’s Country, as it is now officially known.

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